A Dream Is a Wish the Heart Makes and a Wish Is a Hope the Brain Makes and a Hope Is a Barter the Soul Makes—That Is the Path to the Dark Side

I’ve been on a weird kick lately of trying to figure out certain aspects of my personality and “being” by determining which character in certain fandoms I would be or who should be my favorite. I know, I know, this sounds… not entirely healthy, and it probably isn’t, but as an isolationist nerd with a collecting (see: hoarding) problem who is currently living in a lot of liminal life grey space, there’s actually quite a lot of comfort in definition of terms. It feels like completing a puzzle or finally figuring out what that song that’s stuck in your head is when you can’t remember the lyrics. It sort of clicks and it can help define aspects of myself. I mean this solely in the exploration, not the discovery. In the journey to try to figure out which character I am, I usually end up getting weirdly and entirely to introspective on my values, beliefs, and personality traits in a way to determine with whom I share the most qualities. Thus, in determining who my favorite Star Wars characters are, I potentially can discover more of myself but in a /slightly/ safer way than… you know… an existential spiral. The important thing is to then go “OK, that’s settled, maybe I’ll get a Funko Pop of them" (like I need to buy more… well, anythings) and not then live the rest of my life like some weird monk of the cloister of St. Squirrel Girl or something. 

All of this leads to this week’s conundrum, which has gotten entirely out of control: Which Disney Princess am I?

I’ve been low-key trying to figure out my favorite Disney Princess for quite awhile now… like, WAY too long. I think the obvious has always been Belle, but I also had some issues with the B&B storyline as well as the merchandising for Belle is almost always the gold dress which prioritizes the part about Belle I don’t like (she’s so beautiful!) and not the part I do like (she’s so interested in other perspectives and knowledge!) and on top of that as regular readers know: I don’t like gold. I think I also have a weird inclination to fight obvious answers. I mean, it’s probably why I do the work I do, but it can be… let’s say… unhelpful in day-to-day or frivolous (I know, I just called the discovery of my One True Disney Princess Identity [OTDPI] “frivolous”) matters and decisions. 

But, anyway, this last week I went to Disneyland and was also watching a lot of Disney content around that time by pure insomniactical happenstance and so the question of WHO got buried deep in my craw. I took a few (17) “Which Disney Princess Are You?” Quizzes and got a mix of Belle, Snow White, Mulan, Moana, Atta, Jasmine, and Rapunzel. So, basically worthless. I then tried to figure out the pros and cons of each, mixed with aesthetic choices, mixed with an aversion to cultural appropriation, mixed with absurd history nerdiosity. I had created a weird balance of needing to relate to the Princess, her story, the historical tale it was based on, and the aesthetics of the Princess herself. 

This is untenable. So, I ended up reverting back to Belle with a Snow White on reserve. I’m still unsettled, which defeats the purpose of the exercise. It lacks the “click” I need to feel assured and whole as a human being. So now I wander the lands much like a Ringwraith, but for Disney Princesses and IPs built on cultural history with no defensible trademarks. The haunting look in my eyes a mix of lack of sleep, severe anxiety, and a lack of belonging at children’s birthday parties. Maybe one day I’ll just sit down and watch every Princess movie from Snow White to Frozen 2. Until then, if you see me float by, do not be afraid, just know that I mean no harm to you—my only purpose is to know my self, my soul, my OTDPI. 

If you have any thoughts on Disney Princesses, I would love to hear them. Even who you like the most and why. This isn’t one of those weird internet “call to action” things to try to get you to engage. There’s no comment section here. I just genuinely want to know.

ALSO as a weird fun addition to Caesura Thursdays after last week, I thought it might be fun to end with what songs have been stuck in my head the most over the last week. This week has been a mix of many things, but mainly “Goodbye, My Coney Island Baby” and “John Kanaka” the sea shanty (which, I have since discovered is pretty racist, but then again, so are all sea shanties. We should probably stop teaching things drunk sailors sang at each other to children). I hope you enjoy them in your head now, too. Fare-thee-well!